The pursuit.

Maybe happyness is but something only to be pursued?
Maybe it's something that can never be found?

So we spend our whole lives trying to find real happyness,
but in cold hard reality, actually spend our whole lives
just and only pursuing it, chasing after it.
Never truly finding it, holding onto it and cherishing it?









I envy the lucky ones who really truly find real happiness.


There are many things I'd take back, but on the other hand, others I'd never do differently if given a chance to go back again, and too many (conflicting) thoughts and recounts to pen down.

I'm moving to lj for more privacy. Bye

Scream Shout Let It All Out

Time takes pleasure in kicking our asses.
For even the strongest of us, it seems to play tricks.
Slowing down, hovering, until it freezes,
leaving us stuck in a moment,
unable to move in one direction or the other.















Many a time, I get that feeling. And I just want to kick it right back in the ass.

Stone........

My life is so dull now. I thought they said the way you spend new years eve is how you're gonna spend the rest of the year.

















Does this look anything like 1. studying 2. staying in school past curriculum to complete homework 3. STAYING in SCHOOL!!!?? 4. sacrificing even my weekends

It's only week 3 and technically one day past the two week mark of being back in school. I SEE J1S MUGGING IN THE CANTEEN TIL LATE-ISH. What is wrong with the creatures in rjc!! Omg I'm turning into one of them. But at least I'm not one to claim I don't study when I actually do. It's stressful (already!!) and I'm afraid of burning out too early yet my allergy to school has kinda gone on hiatus and I take it as I've sensibly come to terms with this inevitable ..fate of mine. But that also spells increasingly frequent bitch-modes, angst-dwells and frustration-tears. Sadly, I am incapable of controlling and surpressing my weakness(es) ha ha.

While my camera lies neglected ..somewhere. I shall continue to strive for level-headedness, more discipline and willpower. To survive these 3 months, 6 months, 8 months, 10 months............

Time.

Time waits for no man.
Time to stand up.
Time to grow up.
Time to let go.

I'm ready to try. Are you?

We can try to let go of what was.

I know I am very retarded. For those who know, those who I spoke to. Spasms on Sunday were completely uncalled for but a certain resultant realisation from it was just the catalyst I needed. Fish fish fishing. I need to be level-headed and be able to aim for what I want and for what is really important now. But I live in my world of make belief, complete with a fairytale ending to boot ..which I hopelessly doubt will come true. I don't practice what I preach. I'm still holding on to that glimmer of hope, of change, of the past. But I am beginning to lose faith in finding that dream, my dream, my imaginary state of dillusion whereby there is no such thing as gravity or reality. I am fated to become a ************/********. Haha wtf and I'm turning 18. Seriously Nat.

Anyway. Today I got up at 850, ready to report for school at 930, but ended up succumbing to erm temptation. It was very productive despite our coughtruancycough, really. Haha.

Love the loveless.

Two of the longest and most tiring days of my year thus far (which probably will and I kinda twistedly hope will repeat as a weekly routine).

Friday began at 7AM for the longest and most draggy curriculum day in school til 230 and finally ended at 11 when I reached home after tuition. I love it now that the j2s now have homerooms cos we can just vegetate there after tutorials end and talk/eat/study without having to worry about noise pollution or the no-food regulations of the library. Plus points! Our homeroom is situated in such a way that our lts are on the same floor (Lvl 3!!!) and all within 50m walking distance. Anyway, I digress. So we left school at about 6, had dinner at S11 then Yami before an ohmysofunny train ride to Somerset (other passengers probably thought RJ is so stressful that their students go mental ha ha). Mummy fetched me from the bottom of the hill and I youtubed Gossip Girl ep12 before sleeping.

Saturday saw me dragging myself out of bed at 8AM which was the time I was due for cca. I set a bad example by turning up later than the j1s and bickered with Chester throughout prac which entertained Shuks. Then, mugged at Thomson Plaza after lunch and past dinner. Midnight cycling and lomantic star-gazing (ha ha) with my person<3 and the day ended at 2AM.

I'm ahead of my homework and progressing at a pace exceeding my own expectations as compared to my academic attitude last year. Haha geek ftw! I just hope I can keep this up. After the (literally) gravity-defying talk atop the monkey bars at the playground we trespassed last night, I realise it's so typically contradictive of being discontented with oneself while others actually like you more than you like yourself. People are never satisfied with themselves and the flaws you find in yourself may even actually be what others envy. My new year resolution shall be to find contentment in my discontent. Lol. Hence, I shall not complain of having no life since I choose to be this way and will reap from what I sow as long as I diligently keep this up. So there.

I miss you E, I love you A and thank you J & S. <3

Hey you,

Ever felt totally insecure and at a loss of how/when to clarify the matter because of worry/fear/i-don't-know-how-else-to-describe-it-tsk-insecurity-la? I only ever feel this way towards only one important category of people which leaves me in dire straits ("If you're in dire straits, you're in serious trouble or difficulties" okay maybe that was an exaggeration but can you hear the plea/desperation(err) in my words) and sticky situations which I am incapable of getting myself out of unless I a)talk/confront b)there's no option b cos I just keep worrying and thinking about it even in the shower(!!).

To digress, this post has too many brackets, hyphens and slashes.

I know I think too much............but still. This matters.

We think about this. Wonder. Miss. Try to analyse. But the only results we get from that are guesses which wellllllll are not really very helpful at all.

I've lost my courage for confrontation. Maybe you'll read this and help me out.

-

Maybe it's because it's the start of the year again. Perhaps it's due to my Monday blues. Highly certain pms is playing it's part. I don't really know how to describe it actually.

Whether it was all real, or just in my head?
I miss it. And I can't seem to find it back again.

Jinxed.

First week of school is over, and after spending three healthy months enjoying my holidays free of diseases/germs attacking my immune system ..I'm sick wtf.

With cold winds blowing, airconditioned homeroom, freezing lts, sneezing/tearing/sniffling non-stop, topped with the severe lack of sleep due to my heavily altered bio clock the past few months of holiday.

School is so anal. So is the weather. And my homework.

First day of another year

Had tons of fun last night. Limbo, mambo, jambo, dancing on stage, chacha, photozz, getting high without alcohol, then feeling the high wear out. The night ended at 5AM, and there's school tmrw, which sucks tremendously. But today is the 1st of January. And all I'm thinking of right now, is how I spent today, a year ago.

Goodbye 2007

And at the end, you always tend to think about the beginning and reflect upon the things you would/could have done better.

At the very start of 2007, I thought I was in love. I got into love, then I got out of love. And in between, I nurtured my disdain dislike for school, scored lousy grades but still managed to embrace new friendship and continued to strenghthen the bond between treasured old pals. Do I regret anything? No. Would I have done things differently? Certainly. But isn't that life?

I never imagined my 2007 would turn out this way or end this way. Frankly, I would have seen myself still happily in love, the year passing by less quick, (hating school was inevitable ha ha) and perhaps drifting a little from my old friends. I guess sometimes life can turn around and bite you in the ass, but on the other hand it can also deliver to you blessings in disguise, memories to hold on to and lessons to mature and learn from ..such as .........I can hardly hold my liquor ha ha ha.

I've long learnt not to have any expectations for fear of anymore let-downs. So I don't look forward to 2008, but neither can I disregard it's impending arrival. I can only hope it brings happier memories, stronger determination and possessed (possessed! yknw like those mummies i'll haunt you ha ha) discipline for me to stay focused in my studies and ..no more inflation? hahaha

Many a time, certain things/people/situations pass us by til they're long gone and then it's too late to rope them back in when we want to. So my resolution for the new year is to be able to fully appreciate and cherish the small thoughts/gestures/actions and grab hold of them and shove them into my memory bank before they disappear forever.

Off and out to countdown later!

















Have a blissful new years eve and a happy happy new year!!